by Dan Jones
Well, folks, it's pretty much all over but the crying.
Christianity is officially doomed as of last week. As reported by Salem Radio News on Kinship Christian Radio, The American Humanist Association wrote a nine-page letter to the Joplin, Missouri, school district officially objecting to a middle-school Bible Study where Christians were handing out...donuts.
That's right. Donuts.
So, the humanists have finally figured it out and now that we can no longer lure people to salvation with donuts, we stand about as much chance of ever converting another sinner as the Vikings have of winning a Super Bowl(r).
That's right, we got nothing.
Zero, nada, zip.
We'll never be able to lure unsuspecting people to Jesus by offering things like forgiveness, salvation, love, the peace that passes all understanding, joy, and even eternal life without first enticing them with delicious deep-fried pastries.
After all these centuries, after all the martyrs who have died, after all the songs and hymns, after all those who have dedicated their lives to Christ, after all the people who have been rescued from a lifetime of sin and misery, after all our carefully laid plans to deflect attention away from our secret weapon, the humanists have finally figured out that the true source of Christianity's life-changing appeal is donuts.
Perhaps they caught on because of the NET Bible translation of Leviticus 2:7:
If your offering is a grain offering made in a pan, it must be made of choice wheat flour deep fried in olive oil.
(The NET Bible is the only translation that specifically mentions deep frying.)
Hopefully, an inter-denominational investigation will reveal who leaked this information and justice will be swift and sure. At the very least, who ever is guilty of this hideous breach of security should be restricted to plain cake donuts with no frosting.
Yes, you read that right. No frosting for the heretics!
We may still have a very tiny chance of recovering from this, provided no one tells them about the coffee.
Now the manna was like coriander seed, and its appearance like that of bdellium. The people went about and gathered it and ground it in handmills or beat it in mortars and boiled it in pots and made cakes of it. And the taste of it was like the taste of cakes baked with oil. Numbers 11:7-8 ESV